For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
