He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
