this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
