I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
