Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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