Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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