Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
