so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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