Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
