Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
This is the high leading the old right now
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
