i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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