My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
