seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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