You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize