ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
