I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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