I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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