if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
