Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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