so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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