why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize