Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
