i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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