nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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