Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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