Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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