dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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