I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
