he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
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