he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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