my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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