he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
