I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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