Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
