You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
