i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
