We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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