what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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