We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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