Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
