I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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