The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
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