he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
