i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
