That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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