3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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