Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
