I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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