i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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