That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
