I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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