he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
