just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
