I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize