you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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