there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
