she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
