i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
