she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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