woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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